Fight For It // Depression
Hey Guys!
As I said I would, Here I have written my own personal story with Depression. This wasn't easy for me, but hey why be ashamed when c'mon guys, we all experience this... either we have, currently do, or will... so I really hope this encourages you all. :)
Recently not long ago, only a few months ago I went through what was probably one of my most toughest and trying times of my life. Today, I still can’t get my mind around how I even got out of it. Depression. One of the hardest things you will ever have to try and fight.
It started off pretty slowly at first, I
was just feeling down and more down, feeling tired, exhausted and over
everything. But then things started getting worse. I wasn’t eating properly, I
wasn’t drinking water, I wasn’t going to bed till almost midnight because no
matter what I tried, falling asleep just seemed almost impossible, and waking
up each morning to do the most simplest thing seemed like a huge mountain was
standing right in front of me. I couldn’t do anything.
I can’t exactly say why I was majorly
depressed, but I was feeling remorseful for things that had happened to me in
the past, and not having my real dad here for me. I was upset with God, mad
with my family, and always upset when I talked with my friends. I hated my
life, and for so long, I felt like it was something I could never get out of…
I would often cry,
sleep in all day, and it seemed that no matter what I did, I just didn’t feel like
living anymore. I just didn't...
I would fill my notebook up with things that my heart and soul were screaming… God where are you? Do I have to keep living like this… What is wrong with me. Why am I like this? Why do I feel so alone? Is it even worth living? Most of what I felt was the fact that I wasn’t worth anything, that I was nothing. TOTALLY WRONG by the way. Growing up with divorced parents and step parents, altered my way of thinking, in that without a dad I’m nothing. Or that, without a guy, I’m nothing. Or without God to give me answers, what’s the point of it? I’m nothing. Everything in my world began toppling over, and revolving around the word ‘Nothing!’. But guys, Depression actually has a way in deceiving your mind, because NO ONE is worth nothing! Y'all worth heaps in Gods eyes.
I would fill my notebook up with things that my heart and soul were screaming… God where are you? Do I have to keep living like this… What is wrong with me. Why am I like this? Why do I feel so alone? Is it even worth living? Most of what I felt was the fact that I wasn’t worth anything, that I was nothing. TOTALLY WRONG by the way. Growing up with divorced parents and step parents, altered my way of thinking, in that without a dad I’m nothing. Or that, without a guy, I’m nothing. Or without God to give me answers, what’s the point of it? I’m nothing. Everything in my world began toppling over, and revolving around the word ‘Nothing!’. But guys, Depression actually has a way in deceiving your mind, because NO ONE is worth nothing! Y'all worth heaps in Gods eyes.
There were many times over those few
months, that I seriously contemplated the thought of loosing it… and ending it.
Did I ever do it? No. Did I think of it? You bet. I was hopeless, I really
couldn’t’ stand to face myself in the mirror, and it seemed that I was just
always angry and upset, and unhappy with myself. It was slowly killing me
inside, and my family and friends around me, knew it to.
At first I didn’t even think I had depression. I didn’t believe it even. Until talking
with my closet friends one day, and they told me, you have depression girl, and
you need help… I didn’t believe them. Or was it because I didn’t Want to believe them. I felt ashamed and
utterly worthless and alone…. I felt like a completely failure of myself, and
that if I kept feeling this way, I may as well end my life. A lot of the time,
I would feel like my family and friends would be far better off without me,
then they wouldn’t need to worry about me and my major depression… but that’s
just it. That’s one of the difficulties, of
it.
Most of my time during that stage in my
life, revolved of going to sleep late at night because I was in tears, sleeping
in and sleeping all day, sitting at the table blank eyed and not talking to
anyone, listening to music trying to survive by drowning out the hurt and pain I
felt, writing in my notebook the things I felt, but the things no one else
really knew except a few of my two closest friends, and going for walks late at
night because somehow, it felt like I could forget everything for just a while…
But then... one day
. . . Everything changed. It wasn't luck. Wasn't Magic. Wasn't a sudden miracle. It took time, a lot of time, but it happened... I made the decision within MYSELF, that I no longer wanted to live the entirety of my life, like this.
. . . Everything changed. It wasn't luck. Wasn't Magic. Wasn't a sudden miracle. It took time, a lot of time, but it happened... I made the decision within MYSELF, that I no longer wanted to live the entirety of my life, like this.
After that, for the next week without any
technology or anything to do, I decided for myself, enough was enough. I was
relying so much on others for happiness, that quickly I felt empty. I was
wrong.
Happiness doesn’t always come from a guy, girls.
Happiness doesn’t always come from a good father in your life.
Happiness doesn’t come from your friends alone.
Happiness comes from God, and from YOU.
Happiness doesn’t always come from a guy, girls.
Happiness doesn’t always come from a good father in your life.
Happiness doesn’t come from your friends alone.
Happiness comes from God, and from YOU.
It didn’t happen just like that, bam, I got
over it. NO. Far from it actually. But it did come from me, taking a stand, and
FIGHTING for it. Fighting for what I wanted, fighting to live another day,
fighting to live for what I was truly worth, fighting to live for God, fighting
to live for my family, fighting to live for my friends, fighting to get out of Depression or suicide.
I made that stand within my self.
.. BUT Now I’m not saying, that I could have done this all on my own without my friends, absoultely NOT. In fact, I wouldn’t be here today, without them, my family and God.
.. BUT Now I’m not saying, that I could have done this all on my own without my friends, absoultely NOT. In fact, I wouldn’t be here today, without them, my family and God.
But there is only so much others can do, the
rest is within YOU.
That is the day I realized, its time I
fight for this. I know deep down, in all of us is a voice telling us that it’s
to hard and that we aint' worth it, that we should give up… but is it? Is it
worth it? Is it worth it to see your family and friends dying inside, all
because you can’t fight another day?
Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is
just a way, to hide and stop the pain, but is it?
You will never know the feeling and
accomplishment you receive, when you for yourself, decide to fight this, and
live for another day. No one ever said it would be easy, and I would know,
because there were thousands of times I felt like You. But I can promise you
this. You are not alone. And deep down,
we all have a fire and fight within us, that if we let it, will battle this
along with God, and you will pull through. Believe me, I am a living miracle I
am even here today where I am.
So whatever you guys are going through, if
there is one thing I want you to remember, that is to fight. Fight for all you are worth, because you ARE worth it!
I hope you guys brought something out of this today... God will always have your back! Let me know what you's think... and if you guys have experienced depression, would love to know how you's have been and YOUR journey :) I'll be sharing something else very shortly as well, so excited.
Riarna x
I hope you guys brought something out of this today... God will always have your back! Let me know what you's think... and if you guys have experienced depression, would love to know how you's have been and YOUR journey :) I'll be sharing something else very shortly as well, so excited.
Riarna x
